Reflections of a Researcher

I started on my journey towards a doctoral degree in the fall of 2018. At the time I was in leadership at a Jesuit elementary school in Phoenix, Arizona. I was young and saw so many opportunities for growth in my career in the coming years therefore it seemed reasonable to pursue my final degree, with a focus on leadership through a Jesuit institution. The timing felt natural, the alignment divine. I celebrated my acceptance by considering what my purpose would be, and soon knew that I would use my research to gain a deeper understanding for the role of females within the upper ranks of the Catholic church. As I moved through the program, when given the opportunity to incorporate scholarly research of our choice, this was always my focus. Female leadership. Women’s studies. Empowerment. Balance.

By January of 2021 everything had changed. I now lived in Chicago, IL. The pandemic was still confusing and real. I was teaching fifth grade in a public school. My mom was sick, awaiting a lung transplant, and I was one of her two designated caregivers. She would receive her lung allocation score and be added to the transplant list in February, at which time we learned that the average wait time is less than 30 days. There is a great deal of importance placed on respect for the donor and the donor’s family, which I fully support and understand. As a part of this process the organ recipient has to commit to living within a short distance of the hospital for a minimum of four months post-transplant, and the recipient must have two caregivers who commit to being available 24/7 for a minimum of four months post-transplant. Being one of those two people I had to have my employer sign paperwork that approved a leave of absence from work and provide this to the transplant team. The transplant team was serious about their commitment to care during recovery and I knew that I had to be fully present following transplant. It was at this time that I reached out to Dr. Ford, (my advisor at Creighton), and told her what I was about to do. I told her about my go bag, that my mom could be called at any moment, and that once she was called I was out. I asked for her advice. Do I keep going, week to week, knowing that at some point I was going to disappear? What will the harm be to my degree? What will the financial implications be? She suggested that I take a leave of absence now, maybe just until the fall, as by then we will certainly be through the worst of it. And I followed her advice. 

What would happen in the coming weeks would take me by great surprise and change the course of my life indefinitely. On March 3rd my mom was unexpectedly hospitalized, and on April 2nd, 2021 I stood with my dad and sisters, all of us bonded hand in hand as we shared our love and thanks for all she had given to us as her life traumatically ended. Holding her hand as she died was both the greatest honor and greatest tragedy of my life. The challenge of the next weeks and months seemed insurmountable as I learned to live a life that felt foreign and uncomfortable. 

In November of 2021 I received a call from Dr. Martin, (assistant director of the EdD program at Creighton). He wanted to know if I was going to return to the program in January of 2022. I was caught off guard by his call as Creighton was lost to me. I no longer had any interest in the program. The rigor of a doctoral degree. The time commitment to weekly assignments, Zoom meetings, discussion boards…well, it seemed unlikely that I could offer that anymore attention. Not only did it seem unlikely, it no longer aligned with my life. I was no longer in leadership and had no motivation to return to a leadership position. At the time I no longer held a passion for leadership and had no plans to advance in any way. I would show up for my students and I would do my job with love and integrity, but I certainly did not need a doctoral degree to do those things. My connection to my faith was lost. Once proud of my commitment to Catholicism I was now bitter and too aware of the conflicts within the teachings of the church. I did not say all of this to Dr. Martin, but I did share that I had no desire to return. I no longer felt any passion for the Catholic church, for leadership, or for where women fit into the future vision of the church.  

My harsh words were balanced by his calm demeanor. He encouraged me not to give up.  He reminded me how close I was to the finish line and assured me that I could take things slow. He spoke of research alternatives and encouraged me to consider what I could study that would align with my current passions - but not to consider them for too long as he needed me to make a decision within the coming weeks.

So, over those next few days, I considered it. First I thought about how I could not do this to please the faculty at Creighton, I needed to do it for me. Then I thought about the work, and how I would rather commit that time to my children, my dad, my sisters and their families. Then I thought about how I was still haunted by the loss of my mother, about how hard grieving was, and how wildly shocking it had been to recognize that humans are not well versed in how to care for those who are grieving. How disappointed I had been in how others struggled to meet my needs during the initial days of grieving. 

After about a week I sat down one night in my writing room and I wrote. I wrote about the injustices. The pain that sat in my chest every time I thought about losing her and the decisions that I had to make in the wake of that traumatic loss. I wrote about how my organization offers no paid bereavement days, but would allow employees to take two of their sick days to use towards bereavement time. Two. When my mom died I didn’t think about that at all. I called and said that I would be out for two weeks and they told me that two days would be paid, the other eight unpaid. I said okay and moved on to the next phone call. It would be months later when I found myself thinking about how unjust this is. Two days? When am I supposed to use those? The day of the wake and the day of the funeral? Am I supposed to work in between the day she died and the day of the wake? I acknowledged my privilege. I took eight unpaid days off. How many people can not do that? Can not afford to take even one unpaid day? Also, although HR policies are HR policies, I had an incredibly kind boss. He let me take as much time as I needed, (unpaid, but with his full support). How many people have managers who will make them feel bad for taking unpaid time? Do people worry about the impact on their career, or even possibly losing their job? As I wrote I realized that I can devote my research, and hopefully my future, to inspiring organizational change - maybe even greater policy change. Which then moved me to consider how I could make this better for others, finally inspiring me to return to Creighton and finish this degree with the great hope that I could make a difference in the world. I would return to Creighton, I would study grief, leadership, and organizational policies, and I would use whatever I learn to once again align my passion with my career.